As you all know, I lost the love of my life, my father on March 19. I am heart broken, sad, depressed, and lonely. I miss him so much. My father was my world and my rock and now he is gone. I feel so empty with out him. I miss his voice, smile, laugh, jokes, hugs, and kisses on the forehead. I miss his stories about how he met my mom, the Vietnam War, an he traveled to the moon. I just miss everything about him. This is very hard for me and most of you do not know how close I was to my dad. Let me provide some insight for you. My dad practically like my mom and dad in one. My mom was a caregiver for her parents for maybe 12 years and my dad took the slack with being active with me. He attended all my events (no matter what city or state), and was my confidant. I was more close to my dad than my mom, but I love my mom equally as much as my dad. To hear of his passing, I broke down and broke my camera in the parking lot. The pain is real and my depression was deepening. I want him back and I needed him so much. I really did not know what I am going to do with out him. Please understand that at this time, I am going through depression and I am hurting. If I do not talk to you or anything, I just not in the mood and I am just want to be alone. The old me is gone and I am not sure if I will be get her back fully.
To my wonderful dad: Your absence in our lives is unimaginably significant, and my soul is filled with grief to know that this absence is permanent. Nothing could have prepared me for the depth of sorrow I feel when I think of your passing. Still though, I am honored to have been in your presence during such a profound change in your being. And while I am completely beside myself when faced with the reality of loss, angered that you were taken from me, I feel some comfort knowing our voices were the last you heard. The world became a little less bright, and I haven’t quite laughed as hard. The back and forth of my emotions has taken the biggest toll on me. The stress of losing you is being physically manifested.
My hopes for the future were crushed when you left this world. It is a harsh reality to know that my Dad, the man who comforted me in tough times, cooked for me when I was hungry, taught me how to drive, advised me though break ups, and loved me every minute of my life, won’t be there for the most important things I have yet to accomplish. You won’t be able to walk me down the aisle, and give me away to the man that loves me second most behind you. I know you would have been an amazing father-in-law for my future husband, have been cheated out of meeting someone so thoroughly amazing. It hurts me to see Kay missing you. I miss seeing the relationship that you and Kay had which reminded me so much of our relationship when I was young. Your words for encouragement and love towards her was priceless. This is something that saddens me the most.
I am also grateful you were rid of your failing, pained body, and are free from hurt and suffering. On the other hand, not being able to give you a hug, or solicit your advice, laugh with you, and cry with you, is tragic. My hope is that you continue to watch over me and Kay and guide us through this long life-time without you. Keep guiding us in the direction of being a better person, and visiting us in our dreams.
I love you, from the bottom of my heart I miss you so dearly.
Until we meet again,
Your loving daughter, Tosha …